I said things to her that were callous,
I told her I was not worth it, that I was yet another in an endless stream of disappointments.
She said she understood. And Smiled.
I felt the doubt, and I felt the sadness,
I threw it away, just to believe for that short span of time
It is difficult to describe. This feeling of loneliness, overwhelming and detrimental. I have been able to talk to people yes, I have been surrounded by love, I have friends, I have family. Yet somehow, its not quite enough. Its the immense endlessness that one feels while serving his National Duty. Its the disappointment felt when yet another MSN conversation is finished unsatisfactorily. Its the pain you feel when you have to disassociate yourself, because you don't want to commit, you cannot commit. You must remain, in this span of two years altogether alone and yet surrounded by people. Most people cannot describe it, most men choose to take it out with cigarettes, with endless cycles of person after person. It is too easy to say Oh its just two years. Oh its an obligation you have to commit to. But truly, it is a melancholy one, an often disappointing one, and even more so a painful one.
What happens when the privation you feel, the emptiness you experience, the pain that has not passed, all amalgamates into a stewing loss of belief, belief in the cause, in the hand that feeds you. I must find the faith. The Faith to see, to see beyond that pale, that space that you cannot inhabit simply because there's nothing there. And nothing worth looking at.